A time of denial, disorganization and confusion.
Its 8 a.m. and I am just waking up from I sense was a very short nap. Why does everything seems so weird, as if I were coming out of a dream? Why am I lying down on a hospital bed, although I do not feel injured or sick? My mind is in a whirl and I feel lost and confused. I look around in an effort to familiarize myself with my surroundings, when I suddenly realize the I'm in the middle of my living room... alone. My back feels a little damp from lying down on the rubber mattress that was left uncovered when they removed the cotton sheets... after they took her body away.
Louise died last night; the crude reality dawns on me now. My chest is suddenly pierced by a devastating stab and I begin to feel the debilitating pains of loss and emptiness that are to become my constant companion for months to come.
I remember, now that the dark fog clouding my brain is slowly dissipating: I slept in her deathbed last night in a desperate attempt to recapture her essence one more time. I can't tell if it helped or not, for I feel numb, disconnected and I don't remember much about the events that transpired after she passed. I try to lie down a little longer, hoping to connect with Louise yet again, but she is gone, never to come back. I miss her presence so damn much it hurts and, with despair, I wonder discouragingly how I'm going to get through this.
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