Sunday, February 5, 2017

Rising From The Ashes of Loss, My Voyage Through Grief: excerpt # 21

March 1, 2008                                                                                                      
I feel helpless as Louise is horribly sick
I remember how powerless and inadequate I felt at that time for not being able to do more to help alleviate her sufferings.  I somehow felt guilty and frustrated for not possessing some kind of powers that could magically make all of this go away.  I was devastated and overwhelmed with grief as I witnessed her withering away in an out of control downward spiral as she was struck by a massive and devastating gastro-enteritis.  I had never in my life seen anyone be so sick.  My heart is heavy and my gut hurt as I flashback to that moment.  She was overwhelmed by dozens of uncontrollable episodes of violent vomiting and horrible spouts of diarrhea per day.  At times the spasms were so strong and violent that her hands, arms and feet would paralyze mercilessly (tetanize).  Then, trying to remain calm as best as I could, with a shaky voice, I would have to guide her into relaxation to help alleviate her terrible anxiety and calm down the involuntary muscle contractions in her extremities.  
But the most atrocious part in all of this was that every time she was sick, the fresh stitches holding her tummy together threatened to rip out, tearing her skin brutally and leave a nasty open gash.  A horrible thought!  I had to hold and press a pillow to her stomach each time she threw up, in an effort to minimize the possible damage done by the vomiting motion.  Aside from these humble interventions, the extent of my implication in the whole heartbreaking scene was limited to sponging, bathing, feeding, running errands and bringing her emotional support, that’s it.  Quite destabilizing for me to feel so useless in front of such a drama, but little did I know then that the worst was yet to come.

The mere thought of seeing her like this drove me absolutely crazy, but I could only stand there, like a helpless idiot, feeling guilty for not being able to do more for her.  It was a hurtful, pitiful and horrendous sight and I was resentful at the world for allowing this to happen. How much can a person take for heaven sakes, leave her alone, hasn’t she had enough? I thought angrily and ready to pick a fight with the 'Big Guy'.  But God’s wicked and twisted sense of humour did not let up for another seven dreadful days and she must have lost at least eighteen pounds during that trying time.  She was so exhausted and weak that she could not walk without support for the little distance from the bathroom to the living room where she constantly lay on the couch, totally wasted.  I would massage her overstrained back and recoil with sympathy every time she yelped out in pain.  In all of the times I felt helpless during her voyage, this period must have been the worst, and many times I prayed I could miraculously assume some of her pain so she could have a rest for a while.  But unfortunately nature would not have it.  It would not respond to my pleading and bargaining.  Life sucks sometimes. It does not care, it just is. 
Read more at Barnes &

Dr. Pierre Milot, Ph.D., Ph.D. (tc)
Therapeutic Counsellor - Author
Online - Phone - One-on-one consultations
Info or free evaluation: 613.703.9237

No comments:

Post a Comment