Sunday, December 18, 2016

Rising From The Ashes of Loss, My Voyage Through Grief: excerpt # 18

Suicidal Thoughts
. . . One dreary February afternoon coming back to my stuffy house after an unsatisfactory walk in the park, I had a life changing experience.  The last few days had been horrible and so emotionally charged that any attempts to ease my debilitating stabbing pain was futile.  I was desperate and just did not know what to do.  I was lost and disoriented like never before.  At the end of my roll, I felt I had no strength to talk to anyone, not did I feel like it.  The walls of my little house were dangerously closing in on me, crushing my lungs mercilessly.  I could not breathe and kept grasping for air.  My weak shaking legs could barely hold me up and my out-of-whack heart was pounding so wildly I thought it could burst through my chest at any moment.    I felt more alone than ever.  I missed Louise tremendously and everywhere I looked I could not escape the sight of her beautiful face.  It suddenly dawned on me then that the only place I could be, the only place I wanted to be was with her.  The severity of my pain and desperation was so overwhelming that at one point my legs gave out on me and I laid down crouching on the floor miserably, in gut wrenching agony. 
Completely broken and subdued, in a desperate attempt to breathe I momentarily raised my head upwards and for some unknown reason opened my teary eyes briefly and stared at the open kitchen cupboard.  There it was, my way out, the answer to my precarious predicament: freedom!  It was right there in front of me; two 250 ml bottles of liquid morphine and twenty-four patches of topical morphine, enough to kill a horse.  The liquid would put me out quickly and the patches would finish me off slowly.  The stash had been left there by the nursing staff after Louise died.  It was begging to be abused.
I was in some kind of a trance and my thoughts were travelling at a hundred miles an hour deliberating on my next move.  Man, it would be so easy; plaster myself with the deadly morphine patches, gulp the sweet liquid and  ‘Voila!’ I’m off to see the wizard and disappear from this crazy world, no more pain, no more agony.  I’d be gone and with Louise forever.  So tempting, so enticing, I was in such despair that at this point, the thought of dying was a blessing.  The horror of committing such a despicable act wasn’t even a consideration.  I was in the grips of the indescribable burning pains of hell and I needed relief immediately.  Something was holding me back though.  Some kind of energy was pulling me the other way and like an emotional tug-of-war, I was torn between the beast and the angel fighting inside of me.  It was literally a struggle for life or death, and, in the end, those few minutes of hesitation allowed me the time necessary to realize the foolishness of what I was about to do. . . 

. . . I don’t know what happened to me that day, but I suspect that some kind of mysterious force intervened in my favour to help steer my life towards a different course and not end my life.  Was it a Divine period of grace, a brief spark of enlightenment, inspiration from a spirit guide, Louise sending me a message from the other side to hang on, or simply that out of deep despair, I let go and succeeded in tapping into my inner self and drew from my own strength?  I guess I’ll never know for sure and I will always remember that moment in time as a major mystical turning point in my life.  God, Buddha, gurus, mystics and parapsychologists of all kinds, from now on I will keep a positive doubt about the veracity of your claims on the unknown.  My life changing experience expanded my consciousness further and I am grateful for it.  


Dr. Pierre Milot, Ph.D., Ph.D. (tc)
Therapeutic Counsellor - Author
Online - Phone - One-on-one consultations
Info or free evaluation: 613.703.9237

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