Thursday, October 19, 2017

Rising From The Ashes of Loss, My Voyage Through Grief: except # 29

Chapter 8
More anger and resentment

They say it never rains, it pours and of course, as if the needle stuff was not enough, she unbelievably developed an allergic reaction (some sort of horrible reddish and itchy rash at the site of the injection) to the anti-allergic medication.  If it wasn’t so serious, it’d be laughable; an allergic reaction to an anti-allergy drug. LOL.  So of course the injections which were fast acting, had to be stopped and replaced by a pill to be taken orally.  The bummer though is that the pill took longer to kick in, thus making the sessions even longer.
Of course, during the long hours of waiting, I had time to think.  Not always a good thing though (for an over active intellect like mine) and my musing, stemming from fear and resentment, went from cursing all the gods ever known to man, to praying and making deals with the same guys.  Lying at the bottom of a well of despair, like I was during some of those horrible days, I was willing to reconsider my options. And I did.  Just in case I could have been wrong in my views of this crazy world.  What if there was a God?  What if I was wrong?  What if he occasionally listened to poor saps like me? What if I prayed hard enough and made him listen to my plea, convince him that Louise was a good person worth a blink from him?  What if I promised to become a better person dedicated to the service of others would that help?   
But wait, I sarcastically reflected at times, don’t miracles occur spontaneously sometimes, like I read in some religious books? I’m waiting God, do your thing, she’s suffering and every minute counts, don’t you have a heart or are you going to feed me the crappy line that you work in mysterious ways…that it’s a learning experience for her and for me, that I should have faith and that every good thing happens to he who waits.  
I’m watching you God, you better perform, otherwise I’m reverting to believing that you’re nothing but an imaginary being and a fabrication created directly out of the twisted minds of somber prophets and greedy kings to suit their purposes. On I went with the pleas and threats, venting my frustrations until I often fell asleep, exhausted and no further ahead then when I started.  
Mental note
In retrospect, all through the years that Louise was sick, I must have gone through this bargaining and threatening routine a hundred times and an elusive god still remained silent and unresponsive, even to my threats. Who knows? Maybe it was her karma to end her life in pain and suffering, something she had to accomplish for the sake of her spiritual growth. I’ll never know.  Maybe God does works in mysterious ways for some and not for others, I wonder.  I respect other people’s spiritual values and the fact that they may find strength and solace in the belief that a higher being is looking after them, but as for me, I think this is nonsense. 
Life is life and it just doesn’t care, we are part of nature, and nature is the only true God energy as far as I’m concerned.  We’re all caught up in the same never ending cycle of living and dying.  Pain is part of the evolutionary process, therefore it is not good or bad, it just is.  Karma is Karma, and in spite of our greatest efforts to fly away on our own, we’re always dragged back into the learning pathway set for us at birth.  Free choice only goes so far.


Dr. Pierre Milot, Ph.D., Ph.D. (tc)
Life Transitions Counsellor - Relationship/Grief Coach 
Online - Phone - One-on-one consultations
Info or free evaluation
Canada: 613.774.4389

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