Rising From The Ashes of Loss, My Voyage Through Grief: excerpt # 23

Chapter 7

Post-loss
March, 2011

The dangers of unresolved grief: anger, resentment and rage

Readjusting and adapting to the new life                                                                                                
Reinforcing coping mechanisms

The gym was not very busy today  very quiet and, aside from a few overzealous bodybuilders furiously pumping iron while exhibiting a sparkling set of bright white teeth in an uninviting grimace that says, go away and don’t bother me, there is nothing much else to see.  Not even a good looking girl in sight as I would have expected. Zilch. Boring!  

Let’s crawl back home slowly and hope I don’t get honked at too often by hurried drivers following me and pissed off at being slowed down by my 'I don’t give a crap' sorry ass slow driving.   Between the sixty minutes it takes me to travel back and forth to the gym and my actual time in there, I manage to kill a miserable two hours and a half of my unending day.  Wow, now what?  But I shouldn’t ask as I know darn well what I need to do once I get back into my mind-numbing abode: tedious disconnecting exercises. Oh joy, what a blast!  I always resist that phase of the program and although efficient, I find it difficult and draining emotionally.  The sessions always bring me back into an underlying cesspool of repressed emotions, a world I’d rather forget, but cannot, must not.  In fact facing these feelings is mandatory if I want to get over this.  Making excuses to avoid my mental workout is not an option and I have to stick to my plan, regardless.   

Back at home, once again as I open the kitchen door, I’m instantly assaulted by a powerful sense of emptiness and I start chocking again, "Damn it,” I say out loud in frustration. I have to do this, I don’t have a choice and hurriedly start making my way up the stairs to my meditation corner...

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