Rising From The Ashes of Loss, My Voyage Through Grief: excerpt # 28

Chapter 8

Pre-loss
April 22 to August, 2008

Anger - Resentment - Bitterness - Irritability - Bargaining.

This period was mainly dedicated to completing the five treatments left in the first round of chemotherapy.   The rate was one treatment every two to three weeks and before each session, a blood test was required to make sure that Louise’s white blood cell count was high enough to sustain the treatment successfully.  The sessions were long, exhausting and scary for her as she always had an aversion for needles to the point that she almost fainted at the mere sight of them.  To top it off, her veins were minuscule which made the treatments even more difficult and painful, a fact that was about to transform her life into a real nightmare in the months to come.

Finding a good vein to work with had become quite an undertaking for the oncology nurses.  The multitude of tests, blood work, scans and treatments rendered her veins so fragile and sensitive that eventually there was no other choice but to stab her through the veins at the top of her hands.  A very sensitive spot and anyone who’s ever had an injection there can vouch for that.  Imagine spending six to eight hours lying on a bed with a bunch of tubes and needles painfully stuck in your hand while burning liquid is being pumped through your body; it was a soul troubling experience.  

It was terribly hard for me to see her like this, all wired up like a damn robot, wincing and suffering.  My protective side was taking quite a beating and at times I wanted to scream my frustrations, rip out all this paraphernalia, take her home, pump her full of pain killers, let nature take its course and allow her to die painlessly in peace and dignity.  If only we would have known the outcome of our journey then, this may have spared us a lot of suffering and anguish and would have achieved the same results, but only sooner.  

Nevertheless, it was mainly her decision to take the treatments and she would go all the way regardless and I knew it.  She was that kind of a person.  There was nothing I could do but reluctantly stand guard, 'suck it up' and swallow my resentment.  

Little did I know then that shutting my big mouth would also be a prudent attitude to adopt all through these tribulations.  As we were soon about to find out, making waves and going outside the 'system' was not a prudent thing to do.

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Dr. Pierre Milot, Ph.D., Ph.D. (tc)

Therapeutic Counsellor - Relationship/Grief/Stress Coach - Author

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