Relinquishing old attachments
... To grieve properly, I need to create a new relationship with Louise while keeping her memory alive in my heart. I need to create a new identity for myself and develop new ways to function in the post-loss world. As difficult as it may be, disconnecting from the suffering associated with the memory of the lost happy couple that we once were is what I unwillingly need to do. I must now think in terms of 'I' instead of 'we' if I want to survive in my new world, my new reality. Losing Louise who lovingly shared my life for thirty-eight years is like losing half of me. Now I need to become a wizard and invent some king of magical trick to patch myself up and become whole again. At least, this is how it feels and at times, I seriously doubt my abilities to do so. I concede the show must go on and I relentlessly start over a new set of breathing exercises.
The days become weeks and I am making more and more progress with my exercises. There are the usual ups and downs of course and the downs of my wild roller coaster ride seem to be less dramatic nowadays. Time though remains a problem, as I have too much of it. After spending twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week for three years taking care of Louise while she was sick, the space that she left when she died is immeasurable and has become an extremely heavy burden on me. Minutes seem like hours and hours feel like days and I am fighting like a lion to reorganize my distorted concept of time. It is hard, very hard not to think of her and ignore the sick feeling of loss haunting me, when everything I see, smell and touch sorrowfully reminds me of our time together, who we were and who we are not anymore.
At regular intervals in my quest to rise from the ashes of loss I have felt the need to let go and dispose of material things that triggered too much pain and kept me attached to my pre-loss era. Louise’s belongings, her clothes, the memorabilia’s, and most of the personal and business files that we had in common have all gone, and if I have not outright gotten rid of them, I have already learned to disconnect emotionally from those objects. The pictures though I have not touch yet, that will come later, much later. Some say that they should be packed away in a box and not looked at before we feel we are ready for them. That sometimes can take years for obvious reasons, and I sure as hell am not ready for that yet ...Dr. Pierre Milot, Ph.D., Ph.D. (tc)
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